Mark Ginsberg never pays his bills. Recently his friend saw him bargaining with a supplier." Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, why are you knocking that man's prices down? You're never going to pay him anyway.
Listen, answers Ginsberg, he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down his losses.

 On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at Penn station a bit early.

While he's waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform

- the sign on it says it's a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine. So
Nathan stands on it, puts in a $1 bill and the machine says, "You weigh 160
pounds and you are Jewish."
Nathan can't believe what he's just heard. So he gets on it again and
inserts another $1 bill. "You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you're
waiting for the 7:35am train to take you to your job at the Bank."
He is totally shocked, but he's determined to beat the machine. He goes
into the mens room, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses,
removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts
a first aid plaster on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the
machine and puts in another $1.
The machine instantly says, "You're still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds.
You're also a shlimazel, you just missed your train."

 A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains


to the students of Northern Michigan University.


They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.


Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read
to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him
and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and confirmation."


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he
claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read

to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with
me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out
of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

 

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right
about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels
on Goliath'."
 

One Shabbat morning, a mother went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the Shul, to which he replied: "I'm not going."


"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me", and " two, I don't like them."

His mother replied: "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you MUST go to Shul. "ONE, you're 54 years old", and  "TWO, you're the Rabbi"

 Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed.  He is with his

 
nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near.
So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away,
she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such
a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...my husband   has a seltzer route."

 A man is laying on the operating table, about to be

 operated on by his son, the surgeon.
 
The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything
 
 happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

Rabbi Hirsh lay on his hospital bed as his congregants and family sat close by, waiting to hear the dying words of their dear leader and father. The rabbi's attendant, Yitzy, takes the cup of milk from the hospital meal, goes outside to his car, adds half a cup of shnaps and sneaks back inside. "Here Rabbi", Yitzy says, "drink this; it'll be good for you". The congregation waits to hear prized words from their spiritual guide.



Rabbi Hirsh takes a sip of the milk and his eyes open a little wider and he sits a little straighter.

"Eh hem", he clears his throat and motions to them to come closer.

"Listen to what I have to tell you: don't sell the cow."

 

 A Rabbi recounted this story:

With all the instant messaging and texting lingo going around - with abbreviations like "LOL" and "OMG" and "BTW" - I asked a young lady named Kaila if she would be going to shul this Shabbat, and she replied to me "JFK."

"JFK? What does that mean?", I asked.

Kaila answered politely, "Just for Kiddush."

 A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Cohen in Room 302," the woman answered.

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Cohen in Room 302."
"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Cohen is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Weiss is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank G‑d!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, what wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm actually the patient herself; I'm Sarah Cohen in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

 

A Rabbi was giving a speech and as Rabbis sometimes do, kept going on and on, and after going way over time he stopped and realized and he apologized saying "I'm sorry, I left my watch at home". One disrespectful guy in the crowd yelled, "But Rabbi, you have a calendar right in front of you!"

 

Pacing back and forth, a man was getting really anxios about his imminent operation.

His wife asked him: "What's the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?"


He replied: "I heard one of the nurses say 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure you'll be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you," said his wife. "What's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the surgeon!"

 

Bill Gates advertised for a new
chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates show up at the job
screening.

They are assembled in a large room. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a
French Jew, a small, bearded, bespeckled man.

Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are
not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people
rise and leave the room.

Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what
have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".

Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams
of more than

100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to
himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got
to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?"

Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding
academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove
themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but
what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the
Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the
room. Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what
the hell! Have I got anything to lose?"

He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has
gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two
candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have
advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to
hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian."

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Boruch
ato Hashem."

The other candidate answers: "Elokénu melech ho'olom."

 

A nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you."

This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."

So the guy says to the bartender, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

 

After a performance a cantor - trying to impress- tells the crowd that his voice is insured with Lloyds of London for 1 million dollars. A voice from the back of the room says "so what did you do with the money?"

 

Heb school held a talent show for the community.

Girl is playing hava nagila, the grandmother sees a man crying.

She says isn't it beautiful that our young are carrying on our tradition?

The man says I'm not jewish,

So why are you crying?

I'm a musician...

 

Bill Gates ( about as Goyish as anybody can be) advertised for 2 new board members for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates show up at the job screening. They are assembled in a large room. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, bespeckled man. Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".
Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?"
Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croatian language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croatian but what the hell! Have I got anything to lose?"

He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian."
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonaï."
The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam."
Both get the Board positions.

 


In the 1970's, a Russian school inspector is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, "Who is your father?"
The boy replies, "The Soviet Union."
He then asks, "Who is your mother?"
"The communist party," came the reply.
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be a Stankhanovite worker for the glory of the state and the party."
The inspector then points to one of the girls and asks, "Who is your father?"
The girl answers, "The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A heroine of the Soviet Union raising lots of children for the state and party."
The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and says, "What's your name?"
The boy replies, "Mendel Abramovitch."
"Who is your father?"
"The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Mendel replies, "An orphan."

 

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

 

The cheap taxi ride Mordechai, his wife and their three children have just finished their shopping and decide to get a taxi back home. So he hails a cab and says to the driver, "If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Brooklyn?" "For you and your wife, I'll charge just $12," says the taxi driver, "and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?" Mordechai turns to his children and says, "Jump into the taxi, children, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus."

 

A California state trooper pulls over a car and walks over to the driver. “Today’s your lucky day.” he says. We have a program to promote seatbelt use. I pulled you over because you were wearing your seatbelt. You will receive a reward of $5,000. So, what are you going to do with the money?

The man thinks for a moment and answers, “I think the first thing I will do is go out and get a drivers license.”

His wife in the front passenger seat screams out, “Oh for goodness sake, officer don’t listen to him, he always talks nonsense when he’s drunk.”

The commotion wakes up their friend in the back seat. He sees the officer and screams to the couple, “I told you we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”

And then there is a banging from the trunk followed by a voice, “Ay amigos, did we cross the border yet?

 

The Last Will And Testament of Samuel Benjamin Cohen

"I Samuel Benjamin Cohen, being of sound mind hereby declare this to be my last will and testament.
To my son Sheldon, my first born and the best dentist in the United States I leave one million dollars tax free.
To my daughter Jayne who was wonderful and always helped her mother with the dishes and graduated from college. I leave one million dollars.
To my loving wife I leave (whatever is not in her name already) two million dollars. Enjoy, sweetheart. Enjoy.
To my brother-in-law Louie, who smoked fancy cigars, who lived with us ever since we got married, and who always said that I would never ever mention him in my will,
HELLO LOUIE!"

 

Moshe is waiting on the platform at the station. He notices a Jewish man standing nearby and asks him for the time. But the man ignores
him. Moshe then asks him again, and the man responds in the same way. Frustrated, Moshe asks "Excuse me, but I've asked you for the time twice, why are you ignoring me" Suddenly, the man looks up and says, "We're both waiting for the train, if I answer you, then when we get on the train you will come and sit next to me, we will probably start
talking, and I may invite you to my house for Shabbat, there you will meet my daughter, you will probably like her, you may eventually want to marry her, and to be honest with you, WHY WOULD I WANT A SON IN LAW WHO CAN'T AFFORD A WATCH?"

 

Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

 

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. A neighbor, a very friendly and generous black woman, stopped by one Saturday and offered, "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and counter-offered, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket, and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's paid for. Why should you pay extra?"

The neighbor thanked her and with the ticket in hand, made her way to the train station. When the train arrived, she boarded, and as the conductor walked through, he happened to glance at the ticket, noticing the name "Sadie Cohen.".

The conductor asked, "Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen , the person whose name appears on this ticket?"

The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head in the affirmative.

More than a little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures? Would you mind signing your name?"
The black lady turned indignantly to the conductor and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?

 

A Russian Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel.

The local commissar calls him in for questioning
and asks:

Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in
your Synagogue?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your
fellow Jews?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within
and beyond the village?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children
Torah?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel?
A. "There, I can complain!"

 

Isaac arrives in London from Canada and takes a job working on the shop floor of HYMIE’S SUPERMARKET. One day, a customer asks him where he can find half a head of lettuce and Isaac tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. But the customer is insistent and gets Isaac to consult with Hymie. So Isaac goes into the back room and says to Hymie, "Some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finishes his sentence, Isaac turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, "And this gentleman offered to buy the other half."
Hymie approves the deal and the customer leaves satisfied. Later that day, Hymie says to Isaac, "I was very impressed with the way you got yourself out of that tricky situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from?"
"I’m from Canada, sir," Isaac replies.
"So why did you leave Canada?" Hymie asks.
"Because too many yentas and hockey players live there," replies Isaac, smiling.
"That’s quite surprising," says Hymie, looking angry. "My wife is from Canada."
Isaac replies, "You don't say? Who did she play for?"

 

A Jewish curse
May all your teeth fall out - except one, so you can have a toothache.

 

Dear Dad
Univer$ity life i$ really great and I’m beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lot$ of new friend$, I $till find time to $tudy very hard. I already have $ome $tuff and I $imply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a $imple card a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
Moi$he
His father replies: -

Dear Moishe
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. But do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and one can never study eNOugh.
Love your father,
ArNOld

 

Jacob and Sara, a young Jewish married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Sara went into labor on Shabbat and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward. Because Jacob wanted to try and minimize the Shabbat violation, he told the controller that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Jacob and Sara were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"

 

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel

in the following flavors:

Wailing Wallnut

Moishemellow

Mazel Toffee

Chazalnut

Oy Ge-malt

Mi Ka-mocha

Bernard Malamint

Berry Pr'i Hagafen

Choc-Eilat Chip

Simchas T'Oreo

It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup or a Cohen

 

Chaim is in the hospital, recovering from a massive heart attack, with his
wife, Yenta, at his side. As he comes out of his drugged stupor he turns to
his wife and says, "Yenta, you remember when I had my appendectomy"? "of
course!" says Yenta. "And you were sitting by my side then" says Chaim, "I
wouldn't have been any where else" replies Yenta. "And remember the
emergency hernia operation when I almost didn't make it?" asks Chaim, "you
were by my side then too". "of course" replies Yenta demurely with tears in
her eyes. "And now I wake up from a massive heart attack and here you are-
by my side!" exclaims Chaim, "yes, yes" says Yenta, wiping away a tear. "so
you were by my side by the appendectomy, you were right there when I had the
hernia and here you are when I have a heart attack. Yenta, you think maybe
you bring me bad luck"?

 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
Distance before they could find a place to turn around — in order return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her — the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her
Glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you
Might as well get my hat and the credit card.

 

One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the shul. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel off his head.. The rabbi ran after it, but the wind was so strong that it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He could not catch up with it.

A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being fitter than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to him. The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about the tip and the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack to bet his five unexpected dollars.

After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1, the longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the five dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat, I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire five dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened; the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by five lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"The horse Stetson won and I collected big money."

"You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.

"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, so I bet all the money on it, because the horse was the heavy favorite, and the name also means hat in French, and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is chapeau not chateau, said the father. You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race anyway?"

"A long-shot Japanese horse named Yamaka.
 

 

The Cohen family was on very good terms with their Roman Catholic neighbors, the O'Briens. In fact,little Yaakov Cohen and Christopher O'Brian from next door would play together from time to time. Or atleast they used to.
Well , onelate December's day, Duncan O'Brien, the non-Jewish father, came storming in to the Cohen's house holding poor Yaakov by the ear. 'Your son is not going near my Chris again; he just has no respect for us and our religion!'
'What's the matter; what did he do?' inquired Mr. Cohen.
'I'll tell you'. said Duncan in a rage. 'He saw our Christmas tree and started making fun.'
'Reall y, what did he say?' continued Mr. Cohen.
Duncan said, 'He saw our tree and started asking all sorts of ridiculous questions - which kinds of pine trees can be used for a Christmas tree? What's the minimum required height? How close to the window does it need to be? Do too many decorations render it unfit? What if it's under a neighbor's balcony?!'

 

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"



In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a room for two weeks. "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God? "Jesus, Son of Mary. "Where was he born? "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a goy like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

Yankel listened to the Rebbe at shul one Shabboss morning and when the Rebbe asked those with special requests to come to him at Seuda Shlisheet/(3rd meal) , Yankel came.

When it was his turn, Yankel sat down and the Rebbe asked, "What do you want me to help you with?"

Yankel said, "Pray for my hearing, Rebbe."

The Rebbe put one hand over Yankel's ear and his other hand on top of his head and prayed a while.

Then he removed his hands and asked, "Yankel, how is your hearing now?"

Yankel answered, "I don't know, Rebbe.

It's next Wednesday at the courthouse!"

 

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!'
His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello! Are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing!!' replies the drunk

 

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they
continued fighting, they would someday end up
destroying the world.

So they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that
each country would take five years to develop the best
fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its country the
right to rule the disputed areas.

The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and
Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and
then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian
wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from
each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed them
the best food . They used steroids and trainers in
their quest for the perfect killing m achine.

After the five years were up, they had a dog that
needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers
could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight
arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal.

It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird
animal stood a chance against the growling beast in
the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would
win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The
Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant
wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the
Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was
nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer
dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads
in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the
meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They
developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top
plastic surgeons working for five years to make an
alligator look like a Dachshund.

 

An Italian barber, giving a man a haircut, learns that his client is a Protestant minister. When it comes time to pay, the barber says, "Reverend, of course I'm not a Protestant. But I respect any man of God. I will not accept money from you." The minister is very touched, thanks the barber, goes out, and an hour later comes back and gives him a beautiful edition of the New Testament.
A few days later, a man with a clerical collar comes in for a haircut. When it comes time to pay, the barber says "Father, I, of course, am also a Catholic. I will not take money from you." The priest is very touched, thanks the barber, goes out, and an hour later comes back with a beautiful crucifix.
A few days later a man comes in for a haircut. While talking to him, the barber learns that he is a rabbi. When it coems time to pay, the barber says: "I, of course, am not a Jew. But I respect any religious leader. I will not take money from you." The rabbi is very touched, thanks the barber, and an hour later comes back with another rabbi.

 

A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.

The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000?"

The Jewish man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

 

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

*The Englishman*: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.

*The American*: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

*The Chinese*: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

*The Japanese*: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

*The Israeli*: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
*The Palestinian* : Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase
explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: The Englishman, the American, The Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.

 

Having a $100,000 court case which would decide the fate of Chaim's economic situation he suggested to the lawyer that perhaps it would be wise to bribe the judge.


"Absolutely not, this judge is very straight. He would surely decide against the party who sends a bribe."


A couple of month later Chaim won the court case. "You see" said the lawyer "it's good you followed my advice and didn't bribe the judge."


"No, I didn't listen to you I actually did bribe the judge, just I sent it in the name of the other party."

 

Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he
realized he didn't have his head covered..so he asked his little brother Henry
to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father
said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry
exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"

 

The Ten Commandments are not multiple choice!

 

Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."

 

A Gabbai approaches a guest in the shul and says,"I want to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"
The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."
"It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.
"How can that be your name?"
The man answers,"I've been having financial problems,so everything is in my wife's name."

 

Iranian president Ahmadinejad calls Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

 

A man named Irving goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
"What's wrong?" Asked the Rabbi
Irving replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
Irving pleads, "I'm telling you Rabbi, I'm certain she's poisoning me! What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Irving and says, "Well, I have spoken to your wife - I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Irving anxiously responds, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

 


 Abe goes into Church, takes out the tallis, takes out the yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray.

The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says,"Will all non-Catholics please leave." Little Abe goes right on davening."

Next request, again, "Will all non-Catholics please leave."

Nothing.

Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS please leave."

At this Abe gets up folds his tallis and packs it away, takes off the yarmulke and puts it away. Then Abe goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Yoshkee and says, "Come bubbela they don't want us here anymore."

 


An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

 

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate!" says the old monk.

 

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

The Israeli Ambassador who was at the U.N. for negotiations, began...

"Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you ..

"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the
Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.

When they reached the Promised Land, the people had became very
thirsty and needed water.

So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a
pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the
other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the
cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all
his clothes had been stolen.
'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"

The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"

"Aha" said the Israeli Ambassador, "Now, we are ready for negotiations.."

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Honey,” he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

 

Chaim was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Chabad every Saturday for the rest of me life and give up gambling!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Chaim looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

Italians and Jews in Rome

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert
to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with
the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.The Jewish
people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in
the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.The
Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and
raised one finger. Next ... the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a
communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten ... that Rabbi
Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The
Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one
God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to
show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground
to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and
wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple
to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten at my every move and I
could not continue.

"Meanwhile ... the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe. "How
did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First
he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the
finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews
and I said to him we're staying right here." "And then what?" asked a
woman. "Who knows? " said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out
mine."

 

Talmud for Gentiles


The priest meets his friend, the rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular that I want very much to learn, but you refuse to teach me: I want you to teach me the Talmud."


The rabbi replies: "You are a gentile and you have the brain of a gentile. There is no chance that you will ever succeed in understanding the Talmud."


The priest continues in his attempt to persuade the rabbi to teach him the Talmud.


Finally, the rabbi agrees.


The rabbi says to the priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."


The priest agrees "What is the question?"


The rabbi asks: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"


"Very simple," replies the priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up and the one who is clean does not go to wash up."


The rabbi responds: "I told that you will never succeed in understanding the Talmud! The exact opposite is true: The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."


The priest says to the rabbi: "I did not think of that. Please ask me another question."


The rabbi asks: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?"


The priest answers: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."


The rabbi responds: "You are wrong again! I told you that you will never understand: The clean one looks in the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks in the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."


The priest complains, "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror!"


The rabbi responds: "I told you: You are a gentile. With your brain you will never succeed in understanding the Talmud. To understand the Talmud, you have to think of all possibilities."


"All right," groans the priest, "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."


"For the last time", asks the rabbi, "Two men fall through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?"


"Okay. This is now very simple!" replies the priest. "If there is no mirror, the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and, therefore, will go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and, therefore, will not go to wash up. If there is a mirror, the clean one will look in the mirror and, therefore, will not go to wash up. The dirty one will look in the mirror and will see that he is dirty and, therefore, will go to wash up."
The rabbi responds: "I told you that you will never succeed in understanding the Talmud. You are a gentile. You have a non-Jewish brain. Tell me, just how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and one to come out dirty while the other comes out clean?"

 

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him;
the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars,
but only put money into the hat of the beggar
sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs
of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross,
but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind
the Star of David and says,

"My poor fellow, don't you understand??
This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.
In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the
Goldstein brothers about marketing

 

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas (ritual custodian) comes up to him and says, "Pardon me sir, but this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here!"

"What do you mean?" says the man. "This is a Jewish dog. Look." The shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck this dog has a tallis bag (prayer shawl) around its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "kipah!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipah and puts it on his head. "Rover," says the man, "tallis!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it around his neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a prayer book and starts to pray. "That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely incredible! You should take him to Hollywood. Get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make you millions!!

"You talk to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."

 

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty-thousand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is
it?"
>>
"Seven and a half carats

 

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich." .

 

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?" "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?

 

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a
chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a
large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish
Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all
those who do not know the program language JAVA rise and leave.

2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself "I do not
know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a
try".

Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those who have never had experience
of team management of more than 100 people rise and leave. 2000 people rise
and leave the room. MauriceCohen says to himself "I have never managed
anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to
me"? So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent management
diplomas to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room. Maurice
Cohen says to himself "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I
stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat
to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to
himself "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell !- have I got anything
to lose? " So he stays in the room.

He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says : "Apparently you are the only two candidates
who speak Serbo-Croat , so I'd now like to hear you both have a little
conversation in that language? "

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to h im: " Baroukh ata
Adonai ". The other candidate answers : "Elohenou melekh haolam..."

 

The Hebrew School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Josh interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

 

"Locked Out"
As we have all done at some time, Moishe locks himself out of his car on a hot summer day. But he manages to find a wire coat hanger in a nearby dustbin and goes back to his car to try to open the lock. As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do. "Moishe, move it more to the right, now more to the left, higher! Lower!" Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?" Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

 

Doctor Levenson is on his way to a dinner where he has to speak, and scribbles some notes for himself, but when he gets up to speak, he cannot read his own handwriting! In a panic, he scans the audience and says: Is there a pharmacist in the house?

 

Berkowitz was in the best hospital in Long Island and was moaning
the whole time, finally he was transferred to a crummy hospital in Brooklyn, happy
as anything, they ask him what the problem was before, he said before I had
nothing to complain about ... HERE I CAN COMPLAIN!!!!

 

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his
annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether
anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem
to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I
can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where
I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there — if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me
in advance."

 

A woman runs into a theatre in Israel, calling out " Is there a doctor in the house, doctor , doctor"

The play stops, the lights go on, and three men get up, each saying " I am a doctor - how can I help"

"Oy", answers the woman, .... " have I got a girl for you!"

 

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, Frenchscientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists
dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."

One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists
had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that 5,000
years ago Jews were already using wireless technology."

 

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a
long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and
tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no
longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many
miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was
done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a
man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old
days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt

 

The secret of a long Successful marriage
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple's Marriage Marathon, the Rabbi asked the husband, Morris, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The Rabbi inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Morris. Please tell the audience what you're going
to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
"I'm going to go get her."

 

The shabbos service finishes and the congregation is invited to a kiddush in the shul hall. During the kiddush, Mordechai goes over to Rabbi Bloom, shakes his hand and says, "Rabbi, you gave a good sermon today - you should have it published."
"Thank you," says Rabbi Bloom, "but just between you and me, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
"That's good news," says Mordechai, "and the sooner the better."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Moshe's mother, Chana, once gave him two sweaters for Chanukah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Chana said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like the other one?"

 

One day, Moishe is crossing the street and gets knocked down by a car. Although only slightly hurt, an ambulance is called. When it arrives, the attendant puts a blanket over Moishe and a pillow under his head and asks, "Sir, are you comfortable?"
Moishe looks up and says, "Vell, I make a living!"

 

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says,"Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

 

A Rabbi once traveled to a distant town to speak on the subject of teshuva to the locals. He wanted to get across the point that we all will be called to task in heaven for our actions on this world. He warned, "Everyone in this community is eventually going to die. Therefore you must do teshuva before it is too late."

As his point was taken, he noticed that everyone in the room became somber
except one man who was grinning. The Rabbi wondered why this man wasn't
getting into the proper mood. He decided he should make the point stronger.
"My good townsfolk, you must remember that sooner than you think, you are going to die. At that time you will be called to judgment in the heavenly court. All your sins will be revealed and discussed. It can be a horrific experience. Repent now." As the Rabbi looked around the room he saw people squirming uneasily and looking distressed. But, to the Rabbi's chagrin, he saw that the man who had been grinning was now chuckling.

The Rabbi realized that he was now going to have to pull out all the stops.
"Members of this noble community, you must realize that your lives on this
earth are only temporary - as fleeting as the shadow of a passing bird. Soon
will come the frightening Day of Judgment. You will be brought before the
heavenly tribunal whose judges you cannot bribe or deceive. All your
innermost secrets will be presented and scrutinized by the court. Your
feeble excuses will not work there like they do here. The judgment will be
exacting. Your only chance is to repent now before it is too late." At this
point, everyone in the audience was turning white and trembling with fear.
Everyone appeared as though they were about to faint, excepting the one man
who by now was laughing out loud.

The Rabbi couldn't control himself and he asked the man why he was reacting
this way. The man replied, "Because I am not a member of this community."

 

An elegantly dressed man starts up the steps of a large temple on Yom
Kippur. At the front door, a security guard stops him:

"Are you a member of this synagogue, sir?" the guard asks.

"No."

"Did you purchase a ticket to attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services
here?"

"No, I did not," the man says.

"I'm sorry," the guard says, "but you are forbidden to enter the synagogue
then."

The man is desperate. "I have a very important message to give to Mr. Brian
Goldstein. It's a matter of the greatest importance, an emergency. His wife
just had a baby. You must let me in to speak with him."

"Okay, okay," the guard finally says. "I'll let you in. But if I catch you
praying..."

 

Rabbi Korshak, a young modern rabbi in an ultra-liberal suburban temple,
greatly loved to play golf. He played as often as he could, usually with
members of his congregation; but he took his pastoral duties so seriously
that he could not find time to play more than four or five times a year.

One sunny Yom Kippur, after morning services. Rabbi Korshak saw that his
calendar was clear, and felt so powerful a craving to play golf, even if
only for a few holes, that he begged God to forgive him for breaking the
Sabbath, tossed his golf bag into the back of his car, and sped off to a
golf course a good thirty miles away, where he was certain no one would
recognize him.

With an apology to his Maker on his lips, and a song of six-pence in his
heart, the Rabbi teed off....

Up in heaven, Moses, looking down to earth, observing the ways and follies
of Man, suddenly bolted upright. 'Lord! My Lord!' he cried, 'I beseech Thee:
Gaze down. Do my eyes deceive me? There, Holy One - beyond those clouds - do
you see?'

'Y-Yes,' said the Lord.

That's Rabbi Korshak!' said Moses. 'Playing golf! On Yom Kippur!'

'Dear Me,' sighed the Lord.

'Such a transgression!' said Moses. 'From a rabbi yet. How Will You punish
him?'

I,' sighed the Lord, 'will teach him a lesson.'

And with that God cupped His hands over His mouth and just as Rabbi Korshak
teed off for the second hole - the Al-mighty One, King of the Universe, let
out His breath in a long, mighty, cosmic 'Whoosh!' that caught the rabbi's
golf ball in mid-air, lifted it 300 yards, nipped it around a tree, over a
stream and against a rock, where it ricocheted in a miraculous parabola to
make - a hole in one!

Moses stared at God in bewilderment. 'That you call a punishment. Lord?'

'Mmh,' smiled the Lord. 'Whom can he tell?'

 

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

 

After the circumsizing of his baby brother in shul, little Jonah sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That rabbi said he wanted us brought up in a Jewish home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

 

A boy was watching his father, a rabbi, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

 

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens
and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.

She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a
cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a
limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the
airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the
middle...it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air
Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll to carry my
luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much
trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You
won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room,
and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White
House!"

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

 

After his wife died, an old Jew received a parrot from his sons to keep him

company. After a time, he discovered that the parrot had heard him pray so

often that it learned to say the prayers. The old man was so thrilled he

decided to take his parrot to the synagogue on the Jewish New Year of Rosh

Hashanah.

The rabbi protested when he entered with the bird, but when told the parrot

could "daven" (pray in Yiddish), the rabbi, though still skeptical, showed

interest. People started betting on whether the parrot would pray, and the

old man happily took bets that eventually totaled $50,000.

The prayers began but the bird was silent. As the prayers continued there

was still not a word from the bird.

When the prayers ended, the old man was not only crestfallen but also

$50,000 in debt. On the way home he thundered at his parrot: "Why did you do

this to me? I know you can pray, you know you can pray. Why did you keep

your mouth shut? Do you know how much money I owe people now?"

To which the parrot replied: "A little business imagination would help you,

dear friend. You must look ahead: Can you imagine what the stakes will be

like on Yom Kippur?"

 

Q: Why is it important for the groom to stomp on a glass?

A: Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.

 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?

 

An elderly woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, Mrs. Rosenwasser, how old are your grandsons?"

Mrs. Rosenwasser gave her a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six...."

 

Rose and Sadie have been friends for over 50 years and in this time, they have shared all kinds of activities and visited many parts of the world together.

Now, in the latter part of their lives, their activities are limited to meeting twice a week to play cards. Today was one of those card days. Whilst Rose is dealing out the cards, Sadie looks at Rose and says, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I’ve tried for five minutes but I just can't remember it. Please, please tell me your name."

Rose stares at Sadie for some time before replying, "How soon do you need to know?"

 

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

 

A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Ministry of Absorption in Jerusalem .

He is taken to Hadassah hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him:

"My friend, I have for you some bad news and some good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..."

"Nu," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "And what's the bad news?"

 

"My son is something else," Mrs. Finkelstein told her friend. "He traveled to Las Vegas last week in a $25,000 car and returned a few days later in a $100,000 vehicle."

"Wow! He won that much money?" her friend replied. "He must really know how to gamble."

"Well, not really," said the mother. "He went in our car, but had to return by bus."

 

O'Sullivan, Cabot, Kelly and Mendlebaum was one of the most successful law firms in New York . Of all the partners, Mendlebaum brought in the most business.

Lunching with him one day, a curious friend asked, "Why is your name listed last? O'Sullivan spends most of his time in the south of France . Cabot is at his club's bar every afternoon, and Kelly is at the race track all the time. Since you bring in all the business, your name should be first."

To which Mendlebaum replied, "All my clients read from right to left."

 

A Jewish couple won twenty million pounds on the lottery. They immediately

set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through

an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room

table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

 

A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler.

He killed the pit bull and saved the girl's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story....


"Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline
will be: "Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris."

Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and
tomorrow's headline will read: "French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's
headlines will shout: "Europe's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."

Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"

The guy says, "I'm from Israel."

Reporters: "Oh. OK.....Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world:
"Jew Kills Girl's Dog!"


Now you understand the media......

 

Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the
lower east side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were
moving to Westchester and the Hispanics were moving in.

"Abie, we have to move to Westchester," said Sadie.

"We can't", said Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been
here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic
articles too."

Sadie says,"What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We're
Jews. No Catholic articles!!!"

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three
mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut
bait.

Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to
Abie,"OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue."

Abie: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abie And
Sadie's on Delancey Street. I want 100 autographed pictures of the
Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them, rosaries? 500
crucifixes...and I need those things here tomorrow."

"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed
pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But,
tomorrow we don't deliver... .....it's Shabbos."

 

A woman goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denominations? "

"Oh my G‑d," the woman says. "Has it come to this? Give me 35 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 3 Reform."

 

Little Harold was practicing violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

 

A Jewish man is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?"
"To a lecture," the man responds.
"Who will give you a lecture at this hour?" the policeman wonders.
"My wife," he replies.

 

Moshe and Avram went to a fish restaurant. They ordered one lunch and 2
plates to share it. The waiter brought 1 large fish and one small fish.
"Avram, you choose first", said Moshe
"No, please you choose."
"OK, I will take". Moshe took a big piece and put it on his plate
Avram, looked upset and said, "I figured You would take a big one"
"And which would you take?"
"The small one"
"Nu, so what is the problem?"

 

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks,

"How come the Jews know everything before we do?"


The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression, 'Vus titzuch?'"
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?

"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression

which roughly translates to 'what's happening'. They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true.
He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.


Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?


The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

 

Sometime in the 1970s, on an absolutely freezing day, a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union.

The townspeople, bundled to their eyeballs, line up outside the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment ..."

 

ACTUAL PERSONAL ADS FROM ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
morning. Would like to take you out Saturday
night Please write. POB 81

Couch potato latke, in search of the right
applesauce Let's try it for eight days.
Who knows? POB 43.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul
with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays,
build Sukkah together, attend brisses,bar
mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or
can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you
show me yours. POB 72

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah,
Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks
companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah s! cholar, long beard, payos.
Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write POB 74.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage.No personality. POB 76

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar,
exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.POB 56.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,
Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in
my behind. Looking for American-born woman
who speaks English very good. POB 555.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open
your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts
and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities.
No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made. Looking for
girl whose father will hire me. POB 22

 

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our likely enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?